Dear FJ,
I know that you are at your worst, and that is quite alright. The excuses are ample, and your protesting, angry brain seems to enjoy doling out the extra dose of abuse. But this has got to stop. Take a moment, close your eyes, and go inside. Push past the noise, look beyond the memories flashing behind your eyelids, and tell me what you see: what is the difference between endings and beginnings?
Crack open that cage, let the smoldering embers where your heart once shone at its brightest, fall through your fingers like loose sparkles of glitter. Yes, it feels like nothing is left. There’s no more light inside this dark, empty chest. It is OK my love. Leave the lights off for now. When you reach your darkest, you can no longer avoid the inevitable ray of light when it makes its first appearance. What’s more beautiful than the first flickers of light — the pop and crackle when the fire ignites, or the sky washed in reds and pinks as the Sun pierces through the velvety cloth of night?
Cycles dear one. This is the circle of life. No endings, no beginnings, just a constant dance. A slow crawl to the top and a fast descend as you swing to the bottom again. The magic happens in the moments in between. You’ll get there again. You won’t be here forever — just for now. Let’s enjoy the view from down below for a while. Looking upwards, at the vast expanse of possibilities, is a beautiful thing. Don’t ruin the view by worrying about how to get back up there. Yes, it’s a long way up, and yes, that’s bound to be a tough journey. But you’ve done it before. You’ll do it again. Maybe it’ll take longer, maybe not. Just you wait and see.
Please don’t shy away from your mistakes. Don’t shame your choices. Own them. Take responsibility. Learn. Grow. Try again. When it fails, stop and reset. When it succeeds, smile wider, tie your shoelace and keep on walking.
In the meantime, let the pain come. Let your tears wash you clean, over and over again. Feel bad, feel guilty, feel ashamed, feel regret, feel loss, feel failure, feel fear. Just keep feeling.
You cannot change anyone else’s mind. You can ask others for forgiveness, but you cannot expect or demand a response. The ache of causing someone else disappointment is paralyzing, but recognize this as a hidden strength. You are not a terrible person. You are only a person. You cannot, and you may not, change anyone else’s mind. All you can do is continue to trust in your intentions, however misguided they may sometimes become. You must remember what you are made of. Do not forget the extent of your capacity to love. Have faith in this, have faith in yourself. Let the others be. Let them grieve you in their own way, even if that way breaks you in half again and again.
Please remember that I love you. I’ll always love you, even when you don’t love me back. Even when you lie and cheat and steal. Even when you speak to me with nothing but hate and spite. Even when you fail to trust me. Even when your anger and fear make you uglier than you’ve ever been. I will love you just the same. I’ll never leave you. Not even when this life cycle ends. I’ll be the one following you. We are inextricable. You are never alone. You are always Loved.
Sincerely,
Yourself.
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